I think that once upon a time...
I believed that one day you would just grow up.
You would wake up... and be mature, and older.
The more I watch friends, the more i watch myself and the more i learn about the people i spend the most time with...
the less i believe that at all.
I don't know if its possible to really grow up. Because you will never really be grown up, or at least I can think of a few examples of people who have proven you do not have to.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas.
Tonight, like any christmas eve was a night spent in Church.
The children of our family, youngest being me, have a tradition of going out for drinks and food to any food join we find that is open. Last christmas was a de-bockle at the Green Room, where we found ourselves and some family friends 6 shots deep at 2am wondering who the DD was at the beginning. This year was different.
The crew was shaved down, as many of the usual suspects were off and way on other family ventures around the globe. Myself, My brothers Mike and TIm and my Sister in law, Yuko, went on a mission to seek out a new place. We found a little korean BBQ that happens to be open on christmas eve... little Korea is a safe bet on Christmas and easter because they do not usually celebrate the holidays.
The place seemed nice enough to walk into... really exciting tables with the stove top in the middle. The man came and served us immediately. He told us 4 people had to order 4 dinners, which was okay because we were hungry.
As we were waiting for our food we heard a ruckus in the kitchen... yelling... then a woman ran out and yelled in broken english for us to call the police...
we were suddenly sober.
She was immediately followed by the man who served us, telling us that the restaurant was closed, he was so sorry, merry christmas. We all stopped for a minute and asked the woman if she did indeed want us to call the cops and she didn't answer.
We walked out and stood outside wondering what to do next.
Tim then saw the man push the woman into a chair and that spurred our re entry to the restaurant... this time Tim was yelling.
We asked the woman is we should still call the cops and she did not answer. It seemed she was weighing it out... perhaps he was her financial support, perhaps she was not a legal immigrant, perhaps she had no one else...
We stood between her and her partner... him now sitting down and eating a meal at the front window, still yelling at her in Korean. Eventually she held my hands and told me it was okay, we could go.
What a tough situation.
If you leave... you risk letting her take more abuse... or even worse.
If you stay... you just prolong it.
If you call the police... you blindly involve the law in business that is not yours to get into.
We did not in fact see him "hurt" her. Everyone fights...
What is the gut feeling here?
As we walked out I walked up to the man and put my hand on his shoulder and tried so damn hard to look straight through his eyes and see what he was feeling... but i couldn't do it. I couldn't read her either.
I hope they are OK tonight.
Last words exchanged as we left the building were " Merry Christmas".
The children of our family, youngest being me, have a tradition of going out for drinks and food to any food join we find that is open. Last christmas was a de-bockle at the Green Room, where we found ourselves and some family friends 6 shots deep at 2am wondering who the DD was at the beginning. This year was different.
The crew was shaved down, as many of the usual suspects were off and way on other family ventures around the globe. Myself, My brothers Mike and TIm and my Sister in law, Yuko, went on a mission to seek out a new place. We found a little korean BBQ that happens to be open on christmas eve... little Korea is a safe bet on Christmas and easter because they do not usually celebrate the holidays.
The place seemed nice enough to walk into... really exciting tables with the stove top in the middle. The man came and served us immediately. He told us 4 people had to order 4 dinners, which was okay because we were hungry.
As we were waiting for our food we heard a ruckus in the kitchen... yelling... then a woman ran out and yelled in broken english for us to call the police...
we were suddenly sober.
She was immediately followed by the man who served us, telling us that the restaurant was closed, he was so sorry, merry christmas. We all stopped for a minute and asked the woman if she did indeed want us to call the cops and she didn't answer.
We walked out and stood outside wondering what to do next.
Tim then saw the man push the woman into a chair and that spurred our re entry to the restaurant... this time Tim was yelling.
We asked the woman is we should still call the cops and she did not answer. It seemed she was weighing it out... perhaps he was her financial support, perhaps she was not a legal immigrant, perhaps she had no one else...
We stood between her and her partner... him now sitting down and eating a meal at the front window, still yelling at her in Korean. Eventually she held my hands and told me it was okay, we could go.
What a tough situation.
If you leave... you risk letting her take more abuse... or even worse.
If you stay... you just prolong it.
If you call the police... you blindly involve the law in business that is not yours to get into.
We did not in fact see him "hurt" her. Everyone fights...
What is the gut feeling here?
As we walked out I walked up to the man and put my hand on his shoulder and tried so damn hard to look straight through his eyes and see what he was feeling... but i couldn't do it. I couldn't read her either.
I hope they are OK tonight.
Last words exchanged as we left the building were " Merry Christmas".
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Be here or leave.
It is 2 in the morning.
I am lying awake in bed.
and all i can ask myself is...
What am I doing?
All the restlessness and anxiety of being unemployed and in Toronto has finally built up into wednesday, December 23rd at 2:13am ET.
I have some questions at the moment too, like... is it just me? who is constantly thinking second guessing myself?
is it my generation?
Is that the weight of opportunity? that you always feel as though you have not lived up to what you could be/should be doing?
I need to travel.
Why aren't I in south America?
Why aren't I on an Adventure?
If i am not out there now... who is to say i will ever be?
what time is better than NOW????
Lately ( tonight) I have been imagining possibilities... talents and drives in your life to resemble fading stars. When you are born, everything shines brightly... as you grow, your parents make decisions which focus some stars and allow other to dim. You are then left to make your own choices...
You Focus. collecting all the stars in a certain area and trying to make them shine the brightest.
Which allows some of your possible paths to dim and fade till they are gone.
What am I allowing to dim? what is already gone? Am i holding onto paths which were never that bright to begin with?
I am lying awake in bed.
and all i can ask myself is...
What am I doing?
All the restlessness and anxiety of being unemployed and in Toronto has finally built up into wednesday, December 23rd at 2:13am ET.
I have some questions at the moment too, like... is it just me? who is constantly thinking second guessing myself?
is it my generation?
Is that the weight of opportunity? that you always feel as though you have not lived up to what you could be/should be doing?
I need to travel.
Why aren't I in south America?
Why aren't I on an Adventure?
If i am not out there now... who is to say i will ever be?
what time is better than NOW????
Lately ( tonight) I have been imagining possibilities... talents and drives in your life to resemble fading stars. When you are born, everything shines brightly... as you grow, your parents make decisions which focus some stars and allow other to dim. You are then left to make your own choices...
You Focus. collecting all the stars in a certain area and trying to make them shine the brightest.
Which allows some of your possible paths to dim and fade till they are gone.
What am I allowing to dim? what is already gone? Am i holding onto paths which were never that bright to begin with?
Friday, December 18, 2009
The Control Room.
The way I see it, it is like the bridge in Star trek. You have the man in charge, and then the rest of the room is divided into jobs. The Man in Charge sits in his thrown and stares down at all the workers, who bring to his attention the important things. Most of the time the screen is on showing current sensations etc...
These are the main sections of the Brain:
The librarian … little old man in the back… when you are trying to remember something… this guy is sent around on a mission, pulling out books and making sense of dates. Once n a while something will happen.. and he will quietly put that book away into a lost corner. He won't find it for you. He knows what's best. And sometimes you ask him to put books away but he keeps "accidentally" leaving them places they shouldn't be... the engineers and the dreamer trip over it and it is remembered more frequently then one would hope.
Motor skills- Guys in the front row. these cats are the engineers. They make sure things are working... when things are not working right they alert the captain... but sometimes they forget. In my brain they are often "shh" ed until shit really goes down and i am truly injured. But these days they are piping up a lot earlier.
The little girl…This kid has nothing to do with rationale. She does what she feels and tries to make unrealistic things happen... she often has temper tantrums when things don't go her way. Once a month she gets really cranky and runs around pressing buttons and playing with switches... This can look rediculous to the outside world.
Security… try to keep order, control or distract the little girl and maintain goals. … these guys are underpaid.
Night Shift… clean up crew… if you are still awake when these guys start their shift… things get a little messed up. They don’t really know what they are doing, most don’t even speak English and they see buzzers and signals and they kind of just… ignore it.. once n’ a while they are tempted to press buttons but it rarely comes out coherent.
Mathmeticians and rationalizers- constantly crunching numbers and trying to make sense of it all. Often called upon but rarely prepared to give a solid answer.
Socrates … the what if guy… questions the word “ cant” questions why. Wants to know what is up.
The dreamer… ( often gets along quite well with the what if guy.) This one keeps control of the screen savers, writes the stories… thrives off passionate, meaningful experience. Often ends up creating his own reality. Sometimes he can even convince the rest of the head that he knows what hes doing too… sometimes it happens. But not without a constant fueling of the fire. He listens to the little girl and tries to use her perspective where he can. This is often the reason the rest of the brain thinks his ideas are a load of crap.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
ten year-
Ten year plan.
I just had this mini plan spring up. I imagined myself in 15 years, living somewhere natural perhaps, with a horticulture and a mini greenhouse.
I imagine myself teaching high school and once n a while inviting kids over for potlucks.
Kids could come and cultivate with me, I would run a WOOFer program in the summer time.
Wow that sounds amazing. One Day. ... its funny how the short form for "One Day" is OD....
no it's not.
I just had this mini plan spring up. I imagined myself in 15 years, living somewhere natural perhaps, with a horticulture and a mini greenhouse.
I imagine myself teaching high school and once n a while inviting kids over for potlucks.
Kids could come and cultivate with me, I would run a WOOFer program in the summer time.
Wow that sounds amazing. One Day. ... its funny how the short form for "One Day" is OD....
no it's not.
DREAMT by the full-time dreamer.
Unlike most dreams of late; related to lovers and friends and conversations i wish i was having with people i was refusing to let myself talk to...
This one came right out of left field.
To the best of my memory, it began in a theater, which will later be comparable to the North Toronto Collegate Institute's music theater where i used to watch many many of my brothers's concerts. But in this case i was watching my Dad's Welsh male voice concert. I was thinking about life whilst this concert was going on... daydreaming of my usual dreams with the background of these welsh males... Then a new act came on, new musical background to my thoughts. Not important really.
Every now and then the angle would change to third person birds eye view of the audience... i was doodling and thinking still.
Then there was another stage change... it was a symphonic ochestra and Tim and Mike ( my brothers) were in the band... everyone in the band was under the age of ten ( including them).
As soon as these kids started playing.... the audience started getting up and leaving in hords. I was appauled.. ( at this point it became apparent that my voice was horse and i had a cold...sidenote). I turned around in my seat and watched and willed these people to stay... which didn't work.
so i ended up yelling out at the top of my lungs " SIT THE FUCK DOWN... THESE ARE YOUR CHILDREN... THIS IS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD... SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT. "
and immediately the crowd sheepishly sat down and shut up.
the concert ended with this little boy standing up with a mic and thanking people for coming, but during his speech a large clipboard-paper-stand-thing fell on him and the curtains closed.
As we were all standing up to leave, my brother mike ( now his real age of 32), turned to me and said " wow Laur, I have never seen you so comfortable infront of an audience before..."
Then my brothers ( little again) got told they had won a toy.. it was a preschool style car battery with buttons on top, and wheels.... There was a very destinct theme song for the toy... and the commerical advertisement which appeared infront of us involved the capture of whales, and damming rivers in northern quebec... from a birds eye view of our self destructing planet and the car battery song chimed through the whole thing gleefully.
I woke up singing it, realised i had never heard the song before, and immediately forgot it.
so strange...
This one came right out of left field.
To the best of my memory, it began in a theater, which will later be comparable to the North Toronto Collegate Institute's music theater where i used to watch many many of my brothers's concerts. But in this case i was watching my Dad's Welsh male voice concert. I was thinking about life whilst this concert was going on... daydreaming of my usual dreams with the background of these welsh males... Then a new act came on, new musical background to my thoughts. Not important really.
Every now and then the angle would change to third person birds eye view of the audience... i was doodling and thinking still.
Then there was another stage change... it was a symphonic ochestra and Tim and Mike ( my brothers) were in the band... everyone in the band was under the age of ten ( including them).
As soon as these kids started playing.... the audience started getting up and leaving in hords. I was appauled.. ( at this point it became apparent that my voice was horse and i had a cold...sidenote). I turned around in my seat and watched and willed these people to stay... which didn't work.
so i ended up yelling out at the top of my lungs " SIT THE FUCK DOWN... THESE ARE YOUR CHILDREN... THIS IS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD... SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT. "
and immediately the crowd sheepishly sat down and shut up.
the concert ended with this little boy standing up with a mic and thanking people for coming, but during his speech a large clipboard-paper-stand-thing fell on him and the curtains closed.
As we were all standing up to leave, my brother mike ( now his real age of 32), turned to me and said " wow Laur, I have never seen you so comfortable infront of an audience before..."
Then my brothers ( little again) got told they had won a toy.. it was a preschool style car battery with buttons on top, and wheels.... There was a very destinct theme song for the toy... and the commerical advertisement which appeared infront of us involved the capture of whales, and damming rivers in northern quebec... from a birds eye view of our self destructing planet and the car battery song chimed through the whole thing gleefully.
I woke up singing it, realised i had never heard the song before, and immediately forgot it.
so strange...
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Weeks end.
Lessons:
- Never publicly display important information that can go to shit.
- Never assume anything will be easy just to make it easier on yourself to do something.
You just end up smacking yourself in the face, if your friends don't beat you to it.
- DO NOT forget that everything is still OK.
I've spent a lot of time this weekend trying to figure how much of my freewill gets compromised by the things i am passionate about... and how much of that is a problem.
- Never publicly display important information that can go to shit.
- Never assume anything will be easy just to make it easier on yourself to do something.
You just end up smacking yourself in the face, if your friends don't beat you to it.
- DO NOT forget that everything is still OK.
I've spent a lot of time this weekend trying to figure how much of my freewill gets compromised by the things i am passionate about... and how much of that is a problem.
Friday, December 11, 2009
SO... about that middle ground...
I guess I just don't search hard enough for it. I don't really see much grey around me... I tend to strive for black or white.
Do i like that i do this?
not so sure. but it seems a habit.
This week started in its usual way, my life style resembled that of a retired 70 year old. I would wake up slow, read the news ( crossword and suduko), go swimming at the community center, read up on volunteer opportunities in the area, complain of back pain, think about writing a memoir, do my stretches and then go to bed.
But somehow on Wednesday I managed to take on teaching a climbing class next semester, enroll in more university courses AND get a full time job at a fancy tequila bar/restaurant.
... soooo... lifestyle change?
On wednesday night, whilst sitting alone in the Dakota tavern i read a fridge magnet that struck me.
"BE HERE OR LEAVE"
now ain't that the truth.
well, I am here Toronto... Dazzle me.
Do i like that i do this?
not so sure. but it seems a habit.
This week started in its usual way, my life style resembled that of a retired 70 year old. I would wake up slow, read the news ( crossword and suduko), go swimming at the community center, read up on volunteer opportunities in the area, complain of back pain, think about writing a memoir, do my stretches and then go to bed.
But somehow on Wednesday I managed to take on teaching a climbing class next semester, enroll in more university courses AND get a full time job at a fancy tequila bar/restaurant.
... soooo... lifestyle change?
On wednesday night, whilst sitting alone in the Dakota tavern i read a fridge magnet that struck me.
"BE HERE OR LEAVE"
now ain't that the truth.
well, I am here Toronto... Dazzle me.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday night.
Ahem...
so today is Thursday.
To explain the drunken mumblings of last night i am finding that in my recently unemployed state that Wednesday nights are " the shit". Somehow the last two Wednesdays have left me fumbling around at 3 am, text-ing my mother telling her i will not be back for a while.
Luckily i made it home with my wallet this time.
But not without a fantastic story.
You see, I have this bad habit of being on time for things, which leads to curious encounters and generally looking like i have no friends.
Last night one gentleman noticed my solo bar stool experience and invited me to his table. Naturally my spidey sense said "uuuh, thanks but I'll just wait it out for my friends" but after watching him return to his table, where his buddy was sitting, I felt pretty dumb all alone... so i went and joined them.
We ended up shooting the shit for over 2 hrs, talking about their years in the film industry and where we all were in life. It was pretty awesome, and they proved to be legit gentlemen. Ian and Robert.
I was asking them about how they ended up with these jobs which they love so much, hoping to get some kind of clue as to how i can score a similar situation... but all got as an answer was " you will know after it happens". damn.
Ian was a set designer, and I think one of my favorite moments was when he was describing to me what he sees because of his profession:
" when i meet people, i end up immediately trying to understand what their world looks like, what they see... what they would want to see if they could have it any way they want..."
Very cool.
So eventually, I'm pretty sure it was far past Ian and Robert thinking i really dont have any friends, My buddies showed up and we all sat down together.
I find it amazing that so many people will dismiss others because of thier age or sex.
Your average toronto female would never go and sit down with two older men at a bar unless looking for drinks to be bought or some kind of compensation.... your typical toronto older male is not supposed to ask younger girls to join them unless they are creepy, horney and looking for sexual favors....
I love living an unusual life.
cheers to beers.
Post to come: what IS middle ground? how do you acheive it???
so today is Thursday.
To explain the drunken mumblings of last night i am finding that in my recently unemployed state that Wednesday nights are " the shit". Somehow the last two Wednesdays have left me fumbling around at 3 am, text-ing my mother telling her i will not be back for a while.
Luckily i made it home with my wallet this time.
But not without a fantastic story.
You see, I have this bad habit of being on time for things, which leads to curious encounters and generally looking like i have no friends.
Last night one gentleman noticed my solo bar stool experience and invited me to his table. Naturally my spidey sense said "uuuh, thanks but I'll just wait it out for my friends" but after watching him return to his table, where his buddy was sitting, I felt pretty dumb all alone... so i went and joined them.
We ended up shooting the shit for over 2 hrs, talking about their years in the film industry and where we all were in life. It was pretty awesome, and they proved to be legit gentlemen. Ian and Robert.
I was asking them about how they ended up with these jobs which they love so much, hoping to get some kind of clue as to how i can score a similar situation... but all got as an answer was " you will know after it happens". damn.
Ian was a set designer, and I think one of my favorite moments was when he was describing to me what he sees because of his profession:
" when i meet people, i end up immediately trying to understand what their world looks like, what they see... what they would want to see if they could have it any way they want..."
Very cool.
So eventually, I'm pretty sure it was far past Ian and Robert thinking i really dont have any friends, My buddies showed up and we all sat down together.
I find it amazing that so many people will dismiss others because of thier age or sex.
Your average toronto female would never go and sit down with two older men at a bar unless looking for drinks to be bought or some kind of compensation.... your typical toronto older male is not supposed to ask younger girls to join them unless they are creepy, horney and looking for sexual favors....
I love living an unusual life.
cheers to beers.
Post to come: what IS middle ground? how do you acheive it???
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
GET-ER-DONE
I think I finally figured out why I'm so bad at committing to things. It is because I know now that once I commit... I do not break. Call it stubborn, call it pride. I hope i don't loose it though. I think its important to be stubborn about some things, even if it seems self- destructive at times.
I am writing out a ten year plan.
It is jam packed.
So why am I still in Toronto again?
I am writing out a ten year plan.
It is jam packed.
So why am I still in Toronto again?
Monday, December 7, 2009
Crazy.
I think this word is used too loosely. I decided that today, after a walk with my small, elderly dog named nikki.
We were in the park and i threw a ball for her and another dog ran for it from the other side of the field...
This dogs owner, an elderly assumed European woman started screaming at the dog.But not just calling it... screaming obscenities and pleading with the dog... using full sentences which i could not understand. When the dog ran back to her she continued to converse with the thing...
This made me think...
That woman is crazy.
Then the little dude in the control room, who plays devils advocate against the norm ( great little guy, underrated.) Started fighting that statement...
I mean, who the hell isn't crazy in some way... i
we all talk to our dogs, we all break down... we all have little isms hiding within us.
Crazy... is that a mental abnormality? or i suppose a social abnormality?
Maybe i should have just said " hm... that woman is BEING crazy." she herself is not a crazy lady.
Moral of the story, i think that word is overused, and often used to whitewash people we dont think we can learn anything from. This goes out to all my fun friends i have met over the years.
Cheers.
Anyways... on with the day.
We were in the park and i threw a ball for her and another dog ran for it from the other side of the field...
This dogs owner, an elderly assumed European woman started screaming at the dog.But not just calling it... screaming obscenities and pleading with the dog... using full sentences which i could not understand. When the dog ran back to her she continued to converse with the thing...
This made me think...
That woman is crazy.
Then the little dude in the control room, who plays devils advocate against the norm ( great little guy, underrated.) Started fighting that statement...
I mean, who the hell isn't crazy in some way... i
we all talk to our dogs, we all break down... we all have little isms hiding within us.
Crazy... is that a mental abnormality? or i suppose a social abnormality?
Maybe i should have just said " hm... that woman is BEING crazy." she herself is not a crazy lady.
Moral of the story, i think that word is overused, and often used to whitewash people we dont think we can learn anything from. This goes out to all my fun friends i have met over the years.
Cheers.
Anyways... on with the day.
back to the blog.
So here we are again eh?
Okay. well many of you ( I am pretending to be speaking to my 'herds of followers') know that I have been here before. I think I did good with it too...
But i have this horrible habit of trying to let go of segments of my life when i feel they are over, but just to avoid my horrible habit of dwelling on them. I also have horrible grammar and spelling... deal. I will try to avoid the illusive and sneaky posts that i am prone to as well.
Either way, here it goes again, I will try to keep it updated. It might be strange, but keep in mind its relatively un-censored non-sense that the little men and women upstairs are sending down.
I suppose i can say... enjoy.
Song right now: Blind Pilots- 3 rounds and a sound
why: Because it speaks on so many levels to the melancholic pining for something i dont even want.
What?: blog.
Okay. well many of you ( I am pretending to be speaking to my 'herds of followers') know that I have been here before. I think I did good with it too...
But i have this horrible habit of trying to let go of segments of my life when i feel they are over, but just to avoid my horrible habit of dwelling on them. I also have horrible grammar and spelling... deal. I will try to avoid the illusive and sneaky posts that i am prone to as well.
Either way, here it goes again, I will try to keep it updated. It might be strange, but keep in mind its relatively un-censored non-sense that the little men and women upstairs are sending down.
I suppose i can say... enjoy.
Song right now: Blind Pilots- 3 rounds and a sound
why: Because it speaks on so many levels to the melancholic pining for something i dont even want.
What?: blog.
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