I think I get it now.
You get to the crag with your buddies and the air falls silent. Sure, your friends are still talking but you are staring at a large piece of stone and you are setting your goals " this must go down".
You tell yourself it must go down on the first try.
You psyche yourself up and before you even touch the rock you are pumping blood into your forearms at an unhealthy speed.
Then you get to the crux, you have been struggling the whole way, fighting yourself, scared of falling, or failing or pumping out.
Are you having fun yet?
Thus far on this trip, I have not been able to send a single project until I have been able to let go.
mmm. Cliche song titles...
LET GO!!!!
What does let go mean?
Stop caring.
stop thinking.
stop stressing.
How is this accomplished?
moves.
listen to your own breathing, try to make a pattern.
Visualize the climb, dream about it, understand that it WILL go, that is not a variable.
It is just a matter of when.
and you know what... yea.
you gotta face the F***ing music!!!
big plans this week, big plans.
woop.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
slack.
Its a line.
No, I dont think its a line, but that's a great metaphor for now.
You walk it. You balance, you fall or you drive through the wobbles and you wonder how that happened.
Regardless, you will never know where you are going, until you are there. Sometimes you find yourself sitting it out for a while so you can figure out how best to get back on your line. You can try other ones, but that will never do, they are all the same it seems. It is in your head as to whether or not you will be able to stay balanced on any of them. And the result is relative.
I am sitting in the living room at 1883 Maple st. in Squamish BC. I am driving a cup of tea and noticing how the wind is moving the branches on the colourful canvas outside. My backdrop, for everything I do, is a large granite monolith called the Stawamus Chief. And I like it this way. I know this will be home.
My tether to Toronto lost hold over the past couple of weeks. I have been living without a return ticket and without an easily articulated reason to buy one.
Last time I was climbing in the city, an old friend and climber saw me, mentioned I was back. I smiled and concured. He told me a was a real wanderer now, based on my stories and photos, and I smiled again. I tried to explain to him that I wanted to come home, i wanted to settle and make something in one place. I tried to outline my goals of permanence. And he smiled.
" It is funny, that seems to be what all the wanderers say".
I am what I am. And I can only fight it so much.
You are exactly where you need to be.
As long as you are really there.
No, I dont think its a line, but that's a great metaphor for now.
You walk it. You balance, you fall or you drive through the wobbles and you wonder how that happened.
Regardless, you will never know where you are going, until you are there. Sometimes you find yourself sitting it out for a while so you can figure out how best to get back on your line. You can try other ones, but that will never do, they are all the same it seems. It is in your head as to whether or not you will be able to stay balanced on any of them. And the result is relative.
I am sitting in the living room at 1883 Maple st. in Squamish BC. I am driving a cup of tea and noticing how the wind is moving the branches on the colourful canvas outside. My backdrop, for everything I do, is a large granite monolith called the Stawamus Chief. And I like it this way. I know this will be home.
My tether to Toronto lost hold over the past couple of weeks. I have been living without a return ticket and without an easily articulated reason to buy one.
Last time I was climbing in the city, an old friend and climber saw me, mentioned I was back. I smiled and concured. He told me a was a real wanderer now, based on my stories and photos, and I smiled again. I tried to explain to him that I wanted to come home, i wanted to settle and make something in one place. I tried to outline my goals of permanence. And he smiled.
" It is funny, that seems to be what all the wanderers say".
I am what I am. And I can only fight it so much.
You are exactly where you need to be.
As long as you are really there.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
How many times can you hear it?
I just finished watching Lord of War. The popular Hollywood drama flick featuring Nicholas cage and the cinematic genius of Andrew Niccol.
I watched this, in keeping with a series of African war lord documentaries that I have been sharing with my Squamish climbing friends this week. After long days of hauling ourselves and our gear up rocky faces and cracks, we return to my friends quaint abode in the "Valley Cliff" community and we try to remember for at least one hour how damn lucky we are.
Now I have always had a problem with this.
I watch these movies, I educate myself as much as I can without going insane and I get pulled momentarily from my embarrassing apathy to think that I " really should make a difference" and "do something with my life.".
Then I remember that the whole damn system is corrupt. I remember that my friends... my friends who are getting the powerful jobs are getting them because the powers that be know that these people are the ones who don't care to inform themselves, or dont care to try.
Its much easier to have a comfortable rich kid be your social responsibility coordinator than someone who feels the need to really help the people that your company is exploiting.
Theres the bottom line. They have us figured out.
Climbers aren't much better.
Climbers can be kept happy with a garden, a hang board, the occasional sunny day and a beater vehicle.
We all have our vices.
We all have our needs. The only problem is seeing beyond those.
More soon.
I watched this, in keeping with a series of African war lord documentaries that I have been sharing with my Squamish climbing friends this week. After long days of hauling ourselves and our gear up rocky faces and cracks, we return to my friends quaint abode in the "Valley Cliff" community and we try to remember for at least one hour how damn lucky we are.
Now I have always had a problem with this.
I watch these movies, I educate myself as much as I can without going insane and I get pulled momentarily from my embarrassing apathy to think that I " really should make a difference" and "do something with my life.".
Then I remember that the whole damn system is corrupt. I remember that my friends... my friends who are getting the powerful jobs are getting them because the powers that be know that these people are the ones who don't care to inform themselves, or dont care to try.
Its much easier to have a comfortable rich kid be your social responsibility coordinator than someone who feels the need to really help the people that your company is exploiting.
Theres the bottom line. They have us figured out.
Climbers aren't much better.
Climbers can be kept happy with a garden, a hang board, the occasional sunny day and a beater vehicle.
We all have our vices.
We all have our needs. The only problem is seeing beyond those.
More soon.
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