The only light was coming from a farmhouse down the way.

It took me almost a month. But I am finally alone.

Its funny. Mostly because it took me so long, but also its ridiculous to crave such a place. I stopped the car. Crawled into the back and pulled the keys out of the ignition. It took 1 minute for the interior lights to turn off. It took another minute for me to exhale.

I am outside an abandon farm house, off Grey road 10 in Grey County Ontario.  All I can see is the dim lights off neighboring farm houses. All I can hear is, well I cannot hear anything. The drive here slowly tore down my barriers, leaving me with only a loneliness at the end. The anger, the excitement and the frustration of my recent experiences totally evaporated and now here I am. Outside a farmhouse, alone.

 I look around, and do my best not to stir up any images of zombie attacks or axe murderers.

In all my time sleeping in cars, I never imagined how frightening sleeping alone could be. New paper clippings about the "city Girl" who just bought her freedom only to have her life taken away, or something heartbreaking like that.... And I manage. I swallow them. And I sit there.

This is necessary. I had been safe for too long. Too safe to really feel the repercussions of my emotions. Too active to really notice I was in Ontario. Too prideful to really notice I didn’t have a partner.

With each breath, reality sinks in a little more. I become aware of how many things have changed in the last year. I become more aware of what I have been doing, how I have been behaving.

Lying down on my truck mattress I can see the stars peaking in from both sides. I can feel the car rock as I adjust, squeaking in protest.

For the first time in a while my mind is blank. I am comfortable. But not tired. Just breathing. Becoming aware of the uncoiling my mind is about to endure.

So here I am.